Balance
by WinterSky101
Summary: Today, Merlin has saved three lives and taken one. He's not sure how to get that to balance out. Tag for 1.06 (A Remedy to Cure All Ills). Warning: Includes depictions of vomiting.


**I started this a long time ago and only finished it recently, so if any of it seems strange, that's probably why. I just felt that Merlin would definitely have had more of a reaction to killing Edwin than shown on the show. Anyway, enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.**

* * *

Merlin has to save Gaius. That's not an option, it was never an option. And Edwin is throwing an axe at him, so really, what is Merlin expected to do? He stops the axe, but Edwin is still trying to use it to kill him and it's instinctual to send it back to him, _instinctual_ , and so the axe flies back towards Edwin and Merlin sees the look of shock on his face and then the axe splits Edwin's skull.

For a moment, Merlin feels as if he might throw up, but he pushes that feeling down. There's still more to do, there's still Uther to save. The flames around Gaius die down and Merlin forces himself to look away from Edwin's body (oh God there's so much blood, there wasn't this much blood when he dropped the chandelier on that old woman who was pretending to be Lady Helen, the blood is just oozing out and Merlin is going to be sick if he doesn't look away soon) and turn towards Gaius instead.

"Are you alright?" Merlin asks him. Gaius is looking at Merlin in a different way than he's ever looked at Merlin before and Merlin hates it.

"Yes," Gaius says slowly. "Thank you Merlin." There's something like awe in his voice. Merlin is glad he doesn't mention anything about how Merlin just killed a man right there, and the body is still in front of him and Merlin knows if he doesn't act now he's going to lose it, so he lunges forward and grabs Edwin's box of bugs.

"What are you doing?" Gaius asks. Merlin opens the box, looking in at the bugs.

"Uther's ill, the same thing Morgana had," he explains. "Edwin said he used these to cure Morgana. Maybe we can too."

"Elanthia beetles," Gaius says, sounding slightly shocked. Merlin looks up at him.

"They're magical?" he asks. Please don't let them be magical; Merlin doesn't want to do any more magic right now, he wants to forget that he even has magic and never use it again because he's seen how it can be used for evil and-

"Yes," Gaius replies, and Merlin's hopes disappear. "They can be enchanted to enter the brain, feed on it until they devour the person's very soul." There's a short pause as both Merlin and Gaius think for a moment of the consequences of having one of these beetles in the brain of the king. "We must going to him," Gaius declares, rushing out of Edwin's room. Merlin snaps the box shut and follows Gaius out of the room to Uther. He doesn't look back.

They reach Uther's chambers to find him lying far too still on the bed to be healthy, especially considering the noise they made on their way into the room. "How do we get the beetle out before it kills him?" Merlin asks. He can't think of a way to do it besides the obvious, which he really doesn't want to do because that means doing magic, and besides the fact that doing magic on Uther Pendragon, of all people, is a stupid idea, Merlin really _really_ doesn't want to do more magic if he doesn't have to.

"It can only be magic," Gaius replies. Merlin stares at him in shock. Surely there has to be another way, something they can do that doesn't require magic. That's what Gaius is supposed to do, figure out how to do things without magic.

"We can't use magic on Uther; he'd kill us!" Merlin exclaims. Gaius shakes his head slightly.

"We don't have a choice," he replies.

"Gaius!" Merlin tries to protest, but Gaius ignores him.

"There are times when it is necessary," he explains. Merlin looks down at Uther, lying on the bed. Merlin doesn't want to do this, but nor does he want Edwin to win, for Uther to die. "It is your right," Gaius adds.

"I don't know how," Merlin replies, his last little token protest. At this point, he knows he's going to do it, but if there's any way out…

"If you don't, he's going to die," Gaius replies simply. Merlin gives Uther a long look before walking over to his side slowly. He looks at the box of the beetles for a moment before putting it down. Carefully, he sits on the bed and puts his hands on either side of Uther's head.

"Bebeode þe arisan ealdu. Áblinnen," Merlin whispers, hoping the spell works. It's his only chance. He can feel his magic draining, he can feel his energy slipping away as he works the spell. The beetle struggles against him and he screws up his face in concentration, almost in pain, as he pulls at the beetle.

"What's happening?" Gaius whispers, but Merlin ignores him as he _pulls_. Finally, it's done and the spell putters out as the beetle crawls into his hand. Merlin pulls away slowly, the beetle still and in his hand. He shows Gaius, who looks from the beetle to his face, then back to the beetle. "Has anyone ever told you, you're a genius?" Gaius asks softly.

"You certainly haven't," Merlin quips. He and Gaius chuckle softly, but for Merlin, it's a slightly hysterical laugh. Uther lets out a low groan and turn his head. He's alive, Merlin has saved him, just as he saved Gaius before.

But in another room in the palace, there lies a dead body, a sorcerer with an axe through his skull, and Merlin knows he's the reason that Edwin lies dead. "I should stay with Uther until he wakes," Gaius tells Merlin, and Merlin sees it for the dismissal that it is. He nods jerkily.

"I'm going to go tell Arthur that Uther is healed. I'll tell him what happened," Merlin replies. Gaius frowns slightly.

"You must not tell him about your magic," he reminds Merlin, as if Merlin needs reminding.

"I know. I'll figure something out," Merlin replies. He's gone before Gaius can say anything more.

Even though the fastest way to find Arthur would be to search with magic, Merlin can't bring himself to do so, to use his powers (again) after what he just did with them. Instead, he runs down the halls and races through the castle until he literally runs into Arthur.

"Watch where you're going!" Arthur scolds automatically. Then: "Have you found Edwin?"

"Uther is healed," Merlin replies, ignoring the twisting in his stomach. "Gaius healed him. Edwin was using magic. He was the one that made Uther sick in the first place. Same with Morgana."

"And where is Edwin now?" Arthur asks, and of course the first thing he asks is the last thing Merlin wants to answer. "Merlin?" Arthur demands when Merlin takes too long to answer. "Where is Edwin?"

"He was going to kill Gaius," Merlin says in a very small voice. Arthur arches an eyebrow.

"What happened, Merlin?" he asks sternly, but there's maybe a hint of something else there, a hint of something more tender. "Remember," Arthur adds, "this man was guilty of using enchantments against Camelot. He tried to kill Morgana and my father. According to our laws, the penalty for that is death." Merlin barely hides his shudder; Arthur sounds so like his father when he says that, and Merlin hates to think that Arthur feels the way his father does when it comes to magic.

"H-he was going to kill Gaius," Merlin repeats slowly. "H-he had Gaius t-trapped in a circle of flames. A-and there were axes on the wall, y-you know, the decorative ones? A-and Edwin hadn't noticed me yet, so I t-took one off the wall and I got his attention and when he t-turned around I-I-" Merlin gags at the memory and clamps a hand over his mouth. He's going to be sick, he's going to be sick right here in the hallway because he can't get the image out of his head, the image of Edwin's body on the ground with an axe splitting his skull in two and blood oozing out from the still form…

"Merlin-" Arthur sounds somewhat at a loss for what to do, but he grabs Merlin's arm and drags him into the nearest room, which is thankfully uninhabited, and directs him over to the chamber pot. And that's all it takes for Merlin to lose any semblance of control he had; he vomits into the porcelain pot and feels hot tears drip down his face as he does so, and later he'll be ashamed and hate that he showed such weakness in front of Arthur, but for now he can't do anything but feel this unceasing, unrelenting guilt.

Merlin's whole body is trembling when he finally straightens up again, still nauseous but now able to control it a bit more, wiping at his face with his shirt sleeve. "Are you alright now?" Arthur asks, sounding a little lost as to what he should do. Merlin nods shakily. "Alright. I need to go to Edwin's chambers to get everything all-"

"Please don't make me go with you," Merlin blurts out before he can stop himself. This is another weakness he'll regret showing later, but for now, the thought of reentering Edwin's chambers is enough to make Merlin want to be sick again. He can't do it, Arthur can't make him do it-

"You don't have to come," Arthur replies mercifully. "Go back to my father and Gaius. Tell them I'll be there soon." Merlin turns to go, but he's stopped as Arthur grabs his shoulder. "No, wait, first go up to Gaius' chambers. I sent Morgana up there to see if she could find him, just in case. She should still be there." Merlin nods, his shaking dying down a little. He can do this. All he needs to do is hold himself together until all of the fuss dies down and he goes to bed, and then he can lose control all he wants, in the privacy of his own room. But for now, he needs to stay in control. He needs to keep it together, just for a little while longer.

"I'll go get Morgana," Merlin tells Arthur, turning and running off. Arthur goes off in the other direction, towards Edwin's chambers, but no, Merlin can't think about that, he needs to concentrate on getting to Morgana. The route to Gaius' chambers is an easy, practiced one by this point; it takes no effort at all to find his way there and race up the stairs.

"Merlin!" Morgana gasps as he bursts through the doors. "Uther, he's sick, where's Gaius?"

"Gaius already healed him," Merlin replies, gesturing for Morgana to leave the room. She does, following Merlin back to Uther's chambers. "Edwin was the one that made him sick. He used sorcery. But he's going to be alright now. Gaius is with him, in his chambers."

"And Edwin?" Morgana asks, half-jogging to keep up with Merlin in the halls. Merlin pretends he didn't hear the question as he opens the door to Uther's room. It's quickly forgotten as Morgana enters, seeing that Uther is awake on the bed. She rushes to his side immediately, sitting next to the bed in the same spot that Merlin sat in when he used magic to save Uther's life

"Arthur will be here soon," Merlin tells them, feeling the burning desire to leave, even though he's not quite sure why. This is where he saved Uther's life; shouldn't he enjoy being there? "I'll go get him." Gaius is giving Merlin a strange look, but Merlin ignores it as he leaves the room, going back to Edwin's chambers to get Arthur. Not that he wants to reenter Edwin's chambers either; he supposes he'll wait outside until Arthur leaves the room.

He doesn't have to wait long. Just as Merlin reaches Edwin's chambers, Arthur exits and shuts the door behind him. "Arthur!" Merlin calls. Arthur turns, frowning.

"Is something wrong?" he asks Merlin. Merlin shakes his head.

"No, nothing. Gaius and Morgana are both in your father's chambers." Arthur nods.

"You won't be punished for what you did in there," he tells Merlin, jerking his hand towards the door to Edwin's chambers. "You were defending yourself and Gaius against an evil sorcerer. I'm sure my father will be pleased to hear it."

"Don't tell him," Merlin replies quickly. The thought of being praised for what he did is almost enough to send Merlin to another chamber pot. "I didn't do it to please the King. I did it for Gaius."

Arthur studies Merlin's face for a moment. "Very well," he says finally. "You're dismissed for the night, Merlin. Go get some sleep."

Merlin nods, aware that his movements are jerky, and flees. He did what had to be done, he tries to convince himself. Edwin was about to kill Gaius, and he was threatening Merlin with an axe. There was no other option. Merlin did what he had to do.

Now, if only his brain would listen.

Merlin retches the second he reaches the chamber pot in Gaius' chambers, doubling over and emptying the last bits of what he has in his stomach. It's not much. Trembling slightly, he braces himself on the chamber pot, breathing slowly through his mouth. When he's got a bit more control, he uses magic to get rid of the vomit and the smell - he's been careless with it tonight already, what's a bit more? - then he staggers over to the table and sinks down on the bench.

The image of Edwin's face, both before Merlin killed him and after it was split by an axe, hovers at the forefront of Merlin's mind, no matter what he tries to do to distract himself. He feels as if he might throw up again, but there's nothing left for him to vomit.

"Merlin?" Gaius' voice is soft, careful. Merlin hadn't heard him come in. "Merlin, are you alright?"

"I killed him," Merlin whispers hoarsely, finding to his horror that tears are welling up in his eyes. "I killed him. He's dead because of me."

"You had no choice," Gaius says comfortingly, sitting next to Merlin and placing a hand between his shoulder blades. "You had to kill Edwin."

"If I hadn't, he would have killed you," Merlin whispers. Gaius hums in agreement.

"And Uther, and you as well. And who's to say he wouldn't try to kill others as well? Arthur and Morgana, perhaps?" Merlin looks up at Gaius, blinking away the tears that still threaten to fall. "You were put in a horrible place, Merlin, and you were forced to make a difficult decision, but you did the right thing."

"It wasn't difficult when I made it," Merlin murmurs, not able to look Gaius in the eye. "It was instinct to send the axe flying back. I didn't even have to think about it, I just did it." Knowing he sounds pitiful and not caring, he adds, "Doesn't that make me as much of a monster as he is?"

"Merlin, no!" Gaius protests immediately. "You saved lives today. Edwin was corrupted by hate and the powerful magics he wielded."

"I wield powerful magics!" Merlin cries. Gaius takes Merlin's hands in his own.

"You wield magic to _help_ people, Merlin. Edwin used it to hurt people. If not for you, I would not be here." Merlin lets out a shuddering sob, then forces himself to calm down. Gaius is right. If he hadn't killed Edwin, there would be at least three bodies, not just one. He had to do it.

"I threw up in front of Arthur," Merlin states suddenly. Gaius arches an eyebrow. "He asked me what happened to Edwin and I threw up. He's going to be even more of a prat about it than he usually is."

"I remember when Arthur killed his first man," Gaius replies mildly. "He went before Uther acting as proud as a peacock, and then he left the room and burst into tears. I don't remember him vomiting, but it was a near thing."

"Really?" Merlin can't help but be a bit surprised by that. Gaius nods.

"Killing is a terrible thing, Merlin. Arthur understands that. I can't imagine he'll give you too much trouble."

"He won't give me a break, though," Merlin replies, standing. "I should go to bed. He's sure to call for me at the crack of dawn."

"Goodnight, Merlin," Gaius says as Merlin goes to his room. "Oh, and Merlin?"

"Yes?" Merlin asks, turning around. Gaius smiles softly.

"Thank you."

Merlin nods awkwardly, entering his room and closing the door behind him. He doesn't sleep at all that night.


End file.
